Ever since he was taking up space in my womb, I sing to my son. I find solace in the melodies that flow through my vocal chords. Calming and grounding me, as I hoped they would do for him as he grows. I am proud to say, they have yet to fail me in this goal. As he has grown, he has begun to listen closely to the words of some of the songs, especially the lullabies he has grown up with. These have brought about immensely fascinating and intellectual conversations for us to connect through.
With this understanding set forth for you, journey back with me over the past two weeks as I share how my son helped me to grasp hold of my deepest fear.
It begins with a prompting question I had come across while perusing Pinterest:
"When you think about the future, what do you fear the most?"
I was taken aback and drawn in at the same moment. I felt Pinterest had called me out. Challenging me, daring me, to be vulnerable.
My response surprised me.
"I fear being lost. Not physically but mentally and emotionally. My body is changing, I recognize this. This is not just due to the natural aging but side effects, long term, of my life experiences such as chemo. My body won't be lost. My physical being is being taken care of and is an ongoing transformation. I am doing my best to see my emotions and mind within the same vision. I fear, however, the loss of these key components to who I am. I wonder at times if I might begin to allow the outside world and responsibilities to take precedence over my desire of what my world is to be. By writing this out I see this a large step toward assurance that I, who I am and am meant to be, will remain. Ever changing and growing, but will remain present in moments to come."
I usually write and then close my journal so as to let myself put the thoughts on paper, and then walk away for a bit. I venture back to them over the course of about a week and have the chance to be surprised at my thoughts, sit with them, and begin to decipher my meanings. This one had me perplexed for awhile.
I understood and recognized the fear. That part brought no additional quandary. The unwritten words, the ones nestled unseen between the lines, those I could not piece together. These are thoughts such as: "How will I find my way?" "Will I even recognize when I am lost?"
As I welcomed these musings into my mind, I began to gain glimpses of understanding. Then, one night driving home with Jayce, everything bashed together and became whole, all thanks to a song.
We were listening to All is Found by Evan Rachel Wood, yes the other well known song from Frozen 2. As I was getting lost in singing, Jayce was getting drawn in by the words. For those who may not be as familiar with the song, I do recommend listening with open mind as the artists voice is not only tranquilizing, but the words leave you feeling wanting to discover more.
The line that stands out, also the title of the song, is thus "when all is lost....all is found."
Jayce stopped my singing with his inquisitive little voice and asked "Mama, what does it mean when all is lost all is found? It doesn't work like that."
Without hesitation I had an answer rolling off my tongue and my ears barely had the time to transfer the information back to me. You see, I had just found the words between the lines to my own journal entry, the ones that had been lost in transference from mind to pen and paper.
I had shared with my little one that sometimes if you spend so long looking for something you get caught up in the little things and begin to lose sight of the bigger picture. The more this occurs your focus becomes so narrow and you can miss things that are right in front of you. Once you let go and allow yourself to seem lost, what you were seeking comes into view.
Get lost in order to be found.
This is what I was trying to remind myself. I will never be truly lost as these are just opportunities to grow into another version of who I am meant to be. The control is not what I need to be concerned with as there is nothing to be controlled. It is what it is. Good, bad. Scary, exciting. Depressing, enlightening. It is all interconnected and is me.
Being a mother has given me the greatest reasons to come up with off the cuff answers. However, I have to admit I did not stop to consider that these answers would be for my own undiscovered questions.
I hope each and every one of you grace yourself with the courage to get lost. Don't hold so tightly to the reality that you THINK is expected of you, or the responsibilities that have been passed through generations. You are your own person. Unique and complex. Take time to discover and find out what you have to offer for yourself and let this be continuous.
So with hope and love I say again, GO! Get lost...and be open to what you find.
With hope,
Anndi