Many branches stem from the growth of a relationship, especially a romantic one. There are the large ones at the bottom that you can nearly reach up and touch to begin the climb. These can be correlated to questions people ask. "How did you meet?" "Who said I love you first?" "How long have you been together?" As you climb higher and time goes by, there come the comments such as "You two are perfect for each other." "You make it look so easy." "Get a room! " :) These I like to refer to as the highlight reels. The quick, scripted responses that come naturally and allow for simplicity. Quaint, yet effective get-to-know-you communication.
Most often, people don't bring up the roots of the relationship.
I do agree that there are reasons to keep your relationship your own. The playful secrets only you two know. The arguments that were had only ten minutes before leaving the house that will be "dealt" with later. The quiet conversations whispered in the stillness of the night. These and so much more make up the true companionship.
I count myself lucky to say that my husband and I have always had this companionship. So as to not ignore the basic questions you may have dear reader, I have outlined our relationship timeline below:
Met at a nightclub in Alaska in August 2013
Were close friends for two months
I said "I love you" first. He said it about two weeks later. ;)
I moved in with him due to extenuating circumstances and separation with my ex-husband
We moved to Arizona together three months after meeting
I got miraculously pregnant. (Please note the miracle was that I was told I would probably not be able to get pregnant after going through Chemotherapy.)
I divorced my ex-husband in September of 2014
I married my husband a week after my divorce
Gave birth to our son in November 2014
Moved back to Washington state in November 2015 as my husband was getting out of the military. This meant my husband had to remain in Arizona while our son and I were in Washington with my family.
Now that is a very, very short timeline and to top it off, I was still healing from Cancer as I just finished all of my chemotherapy in February 2013. Let us get into the real curve of this story.
He cheated on me...twice.
It was the best thing to happen to our relationship.
Mind you, what I mean to say is that we have discussions about it to this day and they always end the same. If we could go back and change anything, would we? The answer is always no. Yes, it sucked but it made us the strong partners and individuals we are today.
I do not write this Chronicle to speak ill will of the man that I deeply love. I write this more in pride of the man that he has become and the woman I have grown to be. If you know my husband, I hope this does not change your view of him negatively. This is being written in the hopes that it helps others who may need a different viewpoint regarding adultery.
He broke me. He was my safe place when we had met and continued to be so until the moment I found out he had cheated on me. That moment, my world went white. Not bright and clear, but vivid and blinding. The tears turning to gracious flowing waterfalls cooling the heat of my cheeks. The breath in my chest only notable through the short gasps between screams. My hands grabbing for the nearest pillows and blankets in the attempt to build a safe nest around me, only to end up throwing them across the room in agonizing rage.
All the while, our near two year old was in the other room laughing and playing with my Grandmother so that my mother and father could console me. Console me...odd phrase if you ask me. It was more like, watch their baby girl figure out how she was going to fight another battle when she had just completed a war against Cancer and divorcing an ex-husband.
I spent the next week playing it off with my husband that I knew nothing. You see, he had no idea I found out. We would video chat briefly so he could see his son and then I would make up some excuse that we had to get going. During the week my father had taken me to see a lawyer to discuss options for serving divorce papers and how that might look based on different states and my husband still getting out of the military. I remember sitting in that meeting thinking, "why am I here?" I knew what had happened, It's not like I could get it out my head. However, I had a suspicion within me that I wasn't done yet. I wasn't done with him yet.
My father and mother, respectively and rather protectively, pushed toward me leaving my husband. To this day I understand and am grateful for their unconditional love. Come the end of the week though, I was in the shower and for the umpteenth time that week I was bawling as the water did its best to soothe my broken soul. Just as I was beginning to fall to my knees in the shower, I heard a phrase turn about in my mind,
Don't mistake forgiveness for weakness.
In an instant, I went from crying tears of shame and rage, to tears of laughter and understanding. I was so tried of being weak. Of being broken and trampled on. From my physical body betraying me, to my mind and emotions falling to the wayside, to my ex-husband ignoring me, and now my husband disrespecting and shaming me. I was done! Over it. It was time to forgive. Forgive myself for the hurt I was putting on me for outside circumstances that were not in my control.
The fact was, I was not done with my husband. I loved him. He was my last thought at night, my dreams in the depths of the dark, and the man I wanted to wake up to in the morning. I would never be able to fully forgive myself if I didn't make my final stand.
I got out of that shower and when I looked in the mirror, there was this strength looking back at me that I had not seen in a very long time. That moment, no matter what was to come, I promised myself I was not going back to weeping and hiding.
The next day I was set to have a skype date with my husband. We began with the usual pleasantries and me updating him on our son. Then the next thing I knew, I heard a voice say "I know what you did." It wasn't until I saw the loom of utter bewilderment on his face that I realized I had been the one to say those words. He sat there still and then, I dove in.
I told him I knew that he had cheated and I knew how long it had gone on for. As soon as I did he began to shake, his eyes clouding over with tears and the panic attack set in. I will not forget the feeling of pure calm rush over me as I sat there, watching him fall into a despair I had never seen before, with anyone. He started to fall out of his chair and I was not having any of it. I told him that if he fell out of that chair we were done. He had to take some breaths and pull it together as I had a few things to say and he was going to listen. I don't know how, but he didn't fall out of the chair. Good start, I thought to myself, you just might be able to keep him.
In a tone of voice I had not thought possible, I reintroduced myself to him. I stated that he had never had the chance to meet the real me, as he had only met the girl who finished chemo. The girl who had a bad marriage and needed saving. The girl who was weak and quiet when it came to him.
It was time he met me.
I then proceeded to place the following demands:
He must answer the phone anytime I called within three rings, unless at work of course.
I had the right to bring up the incident in any argument or discussion for the next two years no matter the situation.
I could ask any question regarding the incident and he must answer it at any point in time.
He had to send me at least three quotes or songs or anything that made him think of me each week. This was to help prove to me that he had feelings for me and wanted things to work.
The last demand, and the most important, he had to come home. He could not run away from me anymore, try to push me away, or sabotage anything.
I gave us a timeline to work through things and these reasonings' were based on the age and understanding of our son along with the need to see if my husband would step up to the plate.
Here we are, ten years later, more heart break and issues since then to be honest, but I can honestly say, he is my universe and I am his. He went through counseling, self discovery and understanding, many discussions with me and friends, self help books, more discussions with me, and has come out an incredible self aware man. The love and appreciation he shows toward our little family everyday astounds me. He is the man I knew I was not done with. He is my strength and my breath of air when I am drowning.
You see, this is one of those stories where the heroine is the one who trusted her own instinct and made the life she wanted with the man she knew she already had. He just had to discover who that was and be given a true second chance.
So, don't mistake forgiveness for weakness. To forgive someone can be not only your greatest strength, but the strength someone else needs to become the better version of themself.
With hope,
Anndi
